If German shepherds ruled the world, things would be done differently. For one, dog training would be a thing of the past. Rather than training them, German shepherds would have their humans wrapped around their paws.
Here’s the German shepherd’s guide to training their human:
Help your human get more exercise
Your human needs plenty of exercise or they’ll get pudgy. To make sure your human gets enough, take some trash, or their favorite shoe, the television remote, dish rag, whatever stuff they ask you to “leave” and begin running around the house with it. For best results, be sure to stay just out of reach.
Take your human for a walk
You need more walks so your human needs more walks. To do this, bring your human your leash and allow them to attach it to your collar like a “good dog.” Once you reach the end of your driveway, drop the “good dog” act and begin walking as fast as you can, place to place, sniffing all the amazing smells. When your human gets frustrated, slow down enough to allow them to chill out before charging down the street some more. The key is to behave just enough to go again tomorrow.
Train your human how to feed you
Sniff at your food like it’s most uninteresting. If it doesn’t appeal to you, give your owner “the look” then lay down next to your dish while staring at it. If you want to eat something better, flip the dish over while your owner is watching. Keep in mind, once you do this, you cannot eat that food again. Give your owner “the look” and be sure to mope until you get to eat yummy treats. Go with your owner to donate your unwanted food to the local shelter.
Teach your human how to speak on command
To teach your human to speak, stand in front of them and loudly bark. This works best when they are relaxing on the couch at night or on the phone. Keep barking until they yell at you to “hush” or “quiet” and then wag your tail to show them they did it right.
Show your human someone is at the door
When you hear someone approach your house, be sure to run to the door. Wait until you hear a knock or the doorbell then loudly bark your bravest bark. Bark and bark until your human comes to open the door. Watch over human until you know for sure it’s a friend at the door then look for your ball because certainly they came to play with you. If it’s not a friend, look intimidating and watch over your human because they may not know they need you.
Tell your human you have a stomach ache
If you have a stomach ache, let your human know by puking in the house. The best way to get the attention you need is to throw up on the carpet, never on the tile or wood. This way, you’re sure to get lots of love and attention.
Show your human that it’s time for a treat
While your human is eating, stare at their food and drool until the last morsel is gone. If you don’t get a bite, the next step is to beg for a dog treat. Go to the treat cabinet and spin circles until your human feeds you a treat. Humans can be slow so sometimes you need to add a bark or two or do a trick to drive the point home.
Tell your human you want a drink of fresh water
This is an easy one, whenever you want fresh water, simply dig in your water dish until all the water is outside the bowl and onto the floor. Once that happens, walk in the water then run around the house leaving a trail of wet paw prints that will eventually lead your human back to the water dish, which they will fill back up for you.
How to share your human’s bed
It doesn’t matter how many dog beds you have; all canines know the best bed in the house is the one the humans sleep on. The key to training your human to share this bed is to act real cute at bedtime. Jump onto the bed then snuggle up with your human and show them how much you love them. Once they are relaxed and find you irresistible, begin pressing against your human until you have all the room you need to stretch out and get a good night’s sleep. If they kick at you, hold your ground.
Show your human bathrooms are dangerous
Bathrooms are dangerous and all humans need protection while inside. Be sure to always follow your human into the bathroom. You may have to anticipate when they’re going in there or race through the door before they can close it in your face. Learn how to open the door, if possible. If you hear the lock click, glue yourself to the door until they come back out.
How to get belly rubs
Whenever the mood strikes, drop to the ground, roll over belly up, spread eagle. Wait for human to rub your belly. Humans find this irresistible so don’t move until you get the rubs.
Show your human it’s playtime
Whenever you want to play, bring your human your favorite toy and drop it their lap or at their feet. If they don’t immediately drop everything and start playing with you, bonk your human with your toy. If they are working from home, smash the toy on their computer keyboard or on their desk until you have their attention. Remember to always have fun.
Teach your human how to share the couch
Look real cute then jump up onto the couch and lay down. Put on a serene expression and sigh in contentment. Close eyes and pretend to be asleep. After a few moments, open eyes and enjoy the couch because you’ve arrived, baby.
Show your human you want to share love
Walk up to your human and lean against them. If they’re sitting, put your head in their lap or climb up next to them and lean against them. Lick their face and put your paw over their arm or leg. Be happy because you have a human and a best friend forever.
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